Here I am, drinking a glass of wine and smoking a cigarette once again. The last past years were pretty difficult for me, the divorce of my parents, the death of my grandmother and some other really bad things. I know I am way too young to drink and smoke, but it’s the only thing that calms me down at least for a bit. I know I have a problem with drinking but I they thing is I don’t really want to do something about it, I know that If I won’t stop anytime, I’ll die because off it. But who would care if I would? Nobody, right!
So I finished my cigarette and drank the whole glass of wine, I dolled myself up and called a cab then I drove to my favourite club, “Nice to see you again (YN), you sexy beast” the doorman said whilst I walked past him. I winked at him and entered the club, it was pretty smoky and dark inside. I immediately walked to the bar and ordered another glass of wine. I chucked the glass of wine and started dancing to the music. Then someone grabbed my ass, “Piss off” I screamed and looked at the guy. He looked quite handsome. “Come on sexy, don’t act shy I know you want it” he says. I was already a bit drunk so I didn’t say anything.
Then he pulled his arms around my waist and we started dancing together, he pushed his body so hard against mine that I could feel the bulge in his pants. “Let’s go to the back room, to talk” he said and then we walked to the room. It was pretty cold and dark inside there. I sat down on the sofa and they guy sat down next to me, without saying anything he leaned in to kiss me, roughly. I replied the kiss, but after a while I stopped “Can I at least know your name?” I asked. He didn’t answer me he just ripped off my clothes and then undressed himself, than he climbed on top of me and entered my pretty roughly, I screamed in pain. I told him to stop a couple of times but he continued to thrust his hips fast making me scream in pain , I felt like I was being raped. A few minutes later I felt him cumming inside off me, then he rolled of off me and dressed himself he didn’t even look back at me when he said “Nice fuck, slut” and then he left the room, leaving me there laying naked on the sofa. Just then I realised what I have just done, I felt so dirty and disgusted off myself. I couldn’t move at all, my whole body was so sore. Nobody would look after me, nobody I thought to myself.
A while later, someone knocked on the door “Help” I managed to say. Then someone walked inside the room, he looked at me in shock as I was still lying there naked on the sofa. “OMG, Who did this to you?” the guy asked whilst he covered my bare body with a white sheet. “Don’t call the police please” I said my voice was slowly fading. Then he lifted me up, “What are you doing?” I asked slightly confused. “I’ll bring you somewhere safe, I won’t hurt you I promise” he answered me. I tried to move again, but I still couldn’t. I felt really tired and fell asleep in his arms, when I woke up I was lying in a bright room, the white sheet was still covering my bare body. “Finally, you are awake” I heard the guy saying. “Do you want me to drive you to the hospital or to the police” he asks. “No, but thank you for helping me” I answered him. “Are you sure? You can shower her if you want and then we could talk about what has happened to you” he says sweetly. “That’s really nice off you, but I don’t even know your name, how should I know that I can trust you” I said.
“My name is John” he says and then helped me to sit up on the sofa. “fine, I am (YN)” I said and smiled at him. “So, are you able to walk yet?” he asked. I nodded my head, “I’ll show you the bathroom and then I’ll bring you some clothes of mine” he said. We went into the bathroom, it was pretty huge. “Don’t lock the door, I need to come inside in case you black-out or something” he said. “I am fine” I said and weakly smiled at him. “No, you are not” he answered me whilst he walked out of the door. I looked at the mirror in shock my make-up was a mess and there were bruises all over my face. I didn’t remember that the guy had punched me in the face, but I guessed that’s because I was pretty drunk. Then I heard a knock on the door, “Yeah, you can come in” I said. John entered the room and gave me some clothes of him. “Thanks” I said and then he walked back out, I pulled the sheet away from my bare body, I looked down and discovered more bruises, just then I felt a sharp pain in my “area”. “Son of a bitch” I nearly screamed, tears streamed down my face. “Everything, ok?” John asked from outside. “Yeah, I am fine “ I lied and whipped away my tears. I went into the shower, and cleaned myself for a long time. I felt so dirty, I just couldn’t stop crying.
After the shower I dressed myself with John’s clothes, they were far too big for me but I felt comfortable in them. I walked back to the living room where John was sitting obviously waiting for me to come back. “See I told you that I’m fine” I said and sat down next to him, even though I knew I wasn’t fine at all. “(YN), please you aren’t you don’t have to tell my anything but I can imagine what has happened to you and I feel disgusted because someone was able to do this to you” he said. A single tear streamed down my face. “It’s my fault this had happened to me, I was wearing sexy clothes, I was dancing with him, I was the one who replied to his kiss” I said and sighted. “Don’t you dare think that this was your fault, look at yourself didn’t you see all the bruises?” he said, he seemed shocked about the fact that I thought what has happened was my fault. “Why do you even care, John? Nobody ever cares about me” I said, he looked at me, just then I realised how pretty he was, his pale skin and the blond long hair that covered his beautiful green eyes. Then he pulled me in for a hug, a really long hug. “Everything is going to be fine, just trust me please” he whispered in my ear. I never felt so save in my life before, I just knew that I could trust him.
2 weeks later
I have been living with John ever since the day he found me there in the back room of the club. He tried his best to convince me to go to the police or at least to see a doctor but I didn’t want to go. He always tries to speak with me about it, but I don’t want to. “I am leaving for work (YN), I will come back later this afternoon John screamed from the hallway. “Alright, have fun” I answered him. I heard the door closing and then I got up from the sofa, took John’s second key and went to the nearest shop to buy myself a bottle of wine, like I did every day John left for work. I went back into John’s apartment and started drinking the wine, I couldn’t enjoy it though it just helped me to forget the guy who did this to me. I couldn’t tell John about my alcohol problem because I knew he has never has been drinking any sort of it. He would tell me to leave and never come back and that’s what I am scared of, because I actually like John more than just a friend. I felt quite sleepy that day, so I laid down on the sofa, the bottle wine was standing right beside me. I fell asleep and when I woke up, John was sitting there on the other sofa, looking at me with sad eyes. “How long is this going on” he said and pointed at the bottle of wine.
I buried my head in my hands, scared off what he will say next. “YN I am being serious, answer me” he said. I couldn’t even lie at him “for a long time” I said and sighted. “Why, are you doing this you are going to kill yourself” John nearly screamed. “I can’t take the pain anymore” I said calmly. “Is this about the guy who raped you?” he then said. Those words hurt, even though I knew I have been raped, it just sounded so much more serious when he said it out loudly. “No, not just about that, you barely now me John forget it” I said, I stood up from the sofa and tried to move forward, but John pushed me back on the sofa. “John, let me go now” I ordered. “No” he said calmly whilst he gently stroked my cheek, “I care about you (YN), I won’t let you go anywhere until you stop all those bad things” he said. I blushed slightly, he took my hand and leaded me into the bedroom. “You are going to stay with me for the night, I won’t touch you are anything else. I just want to be sure that you aren’t gonna do something wrong” he said and smile weakly at me. I laid down on the left side of the huge bed and John laid down next to me, we both laid there for a long time, but we both couldn’t catch some sleep.
“Can I get a cuddle?” I asked sweetly. John smirked and looked at me, “Yes, maybe it could help us both to fall asleep” he answered and then wrapped his arms around my. I rested my head on his chest, I could hear his heart beating fast. I felt so comfortable and safe, I didn’t even thought about drinking or something else when I laid there with John’s arms wrapped around me. I became more and more tired and after a while I fell asleep. I woke up in the morning, still laying in John’s arms, he was smiling in his sleep. He looked like an angel, I looked at him slowly checking him out. Everything about him was so perfect. I felt the urge to kiss him and I just couldn’t resist so I leaned in to kiss him slightly on his lips. I didn’t expect him to kiss me back as I knew he was still asleep and may not even like me, but just then his arms took hold of me and slightly pushed me back. He opened his eyes and then leaned in to kiss me our lips gently touching, his tongue gently slides across my bottom lip, I opened my mouth and our tongues met for the first time, sending down shivers through my whole body. I pulled away and looked at John, “OMG…” but I couldn’t even end the sentence as John said “This was a mistake, sorry” and then he quickly got out of the room. I got up from the bed and followed him “John?” I asked. “(YN), we can’t be doing this stuff , I should help you to become sober, I should help you to handle with what happened” he said, he was blaming himself for the kiss. “John, don’t you get it? You’ve already helped me, you are the reason why I will go through all of this!” I said.
I tried to study his facial expression, but he didn’t even look at me whilst he said “I do like you, but nothing is going to happen (YN)”. “Great John, you just had to say this now didn’t you?” I screamed, tears filling up my eyes. “(YN), I said I like you ok! Don’t you get it? It’s just the time isn’t right. You have to become sober at first and you need therapy” he said whilst he tightly hugged me. “Please John, bring me to a rehab center now, before I’ll change my mind again” I said. “(YN) are you sure about this?” he asked me. I nodded my head and then I packed up some of my belongings. Then we drove to the rehab center, it looked like a really expensive one. We walked inside and I checked in. “I am sorry to tell you this, but you have to say your goodbyes now” the nurse told us. John hugged me tightly, “I’ll come around as often as possible” he whispered in to my ear. “You better be” I answered him jokingly. Then he quickly kissed me on the lips, “Mrs (your last name) please come with me” the nurse said and I followed her, whilst we walked along the corridor I looked back at John, he was still standing there smiling at me. I didn’t deserve someone like John, he is trying everything to help me I thought to myself as I smiled back at him. We took the lift to the second floor and then the nurse showed me my room. “The doctor will come to see you by tomorrow morning, unpack your bag and then Lilly a patient on this floor will show you around” she said. “Ok” I said and the nurse left the room. Whilst I unpacked my stuff, someone knocked on the door. “Come in” I said and then a tall, black haired girl walked in.
“Hi, I am Lilly” she said friendly. “Hi, I’m (YN)” I replied. “I’ll show you around when you are finished, if you want me too” she said. “Yeah would be great, you can show me round now, I’m already finished” I said. “Fine” she said and smiled at me. We walked out of the room and then she showed me around, on the end of the corridor there was a “floor living area” with a small telly, a piano and a big sofa. “On the End of every day, we all meet here” Lilly told me as she sat down on the sofa. I joined and then we started talking. She told me lots of things about the other patients. “We also have a male patient on this floor, he is pretty good looking and very nice, you will get along with him” she said and winked at me. I knew what she was on about so I said “Oh, well I actually have someone outside, who is waiting for me” “Someone?” she asked curiously. “I have just known him for a short time, it’s nothing serious yet” I answered her. “You like him very much don’t you” she said. “Yes, I do” I replied. Then we sat there in silence for a while until some other patients joined us. I talked to a few of them, just simple small talk nothing special. All I could think about was John and our kiss, those crazy feelings when he kissed me and when he told me that he liked me. It was getting late so I decided to walk back into my room, I was happy that I didn’t have to share my room with anybody else. So I could have at least some time on my own
I didn’t felt the urge to drink something yet, but I knew that it won’t take long until I do. Just before I entered my room, I saw a blond boy walking around the corridor. “John” I asked slightly confused. The blond boy turned around and looked at me, than he headed towards me. It was John. “What are you doing here, you are not allowed to visit me yet” I said but he didn’t answer my question. He just looked at me, I couldn’t help but he looked slightly different. Then Lilly walked past us “Oh (YN), I see you’ve met Edward,the only male patient on the floor” she said with a smile on her face. “Edward?” “Yeah Lilly, we were just talking so could you please leave us alone for a bit” he said whilst he slightly pushed me in to my room, he then quickly closed the door behind us. “What the hell is going on” I screamed confused. “Be quite for god’s sake” he answered calmly and then sat down on the empty bed next to mine. “Explanation, now” I demanded.
This guy sitting on the bed wasn’t John, the way he spoke and the way he behaved, it just wasn’t him. “I am not John, I am his twin Edward” he sighted. “I am not surprised he didn’t told you about me as he always has been deeply ashamed of me”. I stood there speechless, I told John my deepest secrets, I trusted him and I just couldn’t believe that he would keep his twin brother a secret from me. I tried to calm down thinking that I have just known John for a short time, but it didn’t work. “Why should he be ashamed of his own brother? I asked Edward. “See (YN) – that’s your name right! It’s a long story, but I got in trouble with the law a couple of times and before I came in here, I even tried to kill myself” he explained. I looked at him and could see his watering eyes. “Edward, does he know you are here?” I asked. “No, but please don’t tell him, can’t explain you why either, have to leave now anyway-bye” he said and walked outside my room. I sat down on my bed and started crying immediately, I felt so bad. What was going on in John’s life, did he just found me there laying in the back room by accident or was everything planned out. Had he something to do with the guy who raped me? I couldn’t help but to think about stuff like that. Edward, seemed rude but also slightly worried for John, but why! Those questions kept me up, nearly all night.
I got woken up by a nurse in the morning “Morning, shower time, doctor will come to see you in a bit” she said friendly. I couldn’t make the way to the shower, as I was still really tired, and every inch on my body hurt, I felt really sick and my hands were shaking. “I can’t stand up, I feel so sick” I said and showed the nurse my shaking hands. “Oh, Mrs (your last name) you are feeling sick because of the alcohol withdrawal, the doctor will be talking with you about this later. Please stay in bed and feel free to call me anytime, is there something else I can do for you?” she said. “No, not really thanks” I answered her. Then she left, an hour later the doctor came in he talked to my for nearly 3 hours, it really was a long time but he helped me to feel at least a bit better about myself and he prescribed me medication for my withdrawal symptoms. I stood up from the bed and went for a long shower, I still felt sick and everything but I really wanted to talk to Edward. When I finished showering, I dressed myself and brushed my hair.
Then I decided to go back to the “living area”, if Edward is around he might be sitting there I thought to myself. My knees still felt very weak so it took me a long time to go there. A few people were sitting there but there was no sign of Edward. “Has anybody seen Edward” I asked them. “He is in his room” someone answered me. “Where do I find his room” I asked again. Then they told me his room number, I searched for it and when I reached it I stood there for a while not knowing if I should enter the room or not, but then all the sudden I heard Edward talking, he was speaking to someone. I could hear every word he said as he wasn’t really quite “Yeah, Patrick” “She’s here” “John should better be worried”.
I stood there in shock, what the hell was going on? Did Edward just really say that John should better be worried and who’s this Patrick guy I thought. Then it hit me, this name Patrick sounded so familiar. I started running, not even caring about my belongings or the nurses and doctors on the floor, I took the lift downstairs and ran out of the building, a nurse was following me but I was way faster than her. I saw a bus was driving by, so I quickly went inside, the nurse tried to get in the bus as well. But she couldn’t make it anymore. There were so much people inside the bus, I was hiding in between them, I felt really dizzy and sick but I needed to tell John everything this rehab center wasn’t save for my not after what I’ve heard just a few minutes ago. I got out of the bus and ran again, this time to John’s apartment, I was really glad that the bus stopped nearby so it didn’t took me long to get there. Then a car stopped beside me, it was John’s. “(YN) what the hell are you doing here” he asked he seemed so disappointed. “Oh my god, John please lets go inside, I’ll explain everything I’ll promise” I answered him then he parked the car and when he got out of the car I took his hand and leaded him into his apartment.
“What’s going on (YN) tell me, you are scaring the shit out of me right now” he said whilst he unlocked the door. “Edward” I stuttered, I entered his place and sat down on the sofa, “Edward….rehab….Patrick…. you should be worried about me” I explained. “Did he really, argh Son of a Beep” he said his voice started shaking because he was getting really angry. Then I sat down next to me and buried his head on my chest “He will never take you away from me, I’ll promise you nothing will ever happen to you (YN)” he said calmly. “I think the guy who raped me, I think his name was Patrick” I said a lonely tear streamed down my face. John looked up and kissed the tear away from my cheek. I quickly smiled at him. “(YN), are you sure, because if you are we have to leave the country now, I know Edward knows a lot of people and he will do everything to hurt me” John said still calmly, which made me even more confused. He should be screaming and backing up things because we needed to leave, now. All the sudden we heard a loud knock on the door, “Stay were you are” John said and walked towards the door.
“Don’t” I nearly screamed, but it was too late. John opened the door and right in front of him was standing Edward. “Nice to see you bro, long time no see” Edward said whilst he walked into the apartment, John looked really scared. “Oh, I knew you would be here” Edward told me as he looked at me. “Leave her alone” John screamed, whilst he shut the door and faced Edward. “I am not going to hurt her bro, calm down” Edward said. “What do you want, then” John said. “I just want you to suffer John, I want you to feel the pain I did when you killed her” Edward replied. John looked at his face, he was filled with anger. “Oh right, forgot. She doesn’t know doesn’t she? She doesn’t know anything (evil grin) did you tell her yet that you kept stalking her for about 2 years I think? That you fell in love with her at first sight, but she never noticed you? I just had to do something to get you two together, and Patrick owned me one” he said. John clinched his fist, ready to punch Edward. I didn’t cared much about the fact, that Patrick was the one who raped me or that John had been stalking my for years, I just wanted to know if John really killed somebody.
So I quickly got in between them, “Stop it, John please tell me did you kill this girl?” I asked, “It was an accident (YN), believe me please” John answered me. I walked away from John, as I was now really afraid of him, just then Edward took a knife out of his pocket and stabbed John with it a couple of times. John fell down on the floor, blood flowed out of his wounds, “I did not kill her, I swear” John managed to say before Edward stabbed him once again, this time directly in his heart. John took a quick look at the knife inside his chest and then he died, right in front of me.
I looked at Edward who was now leaning over John’s lifeless body. Tears streamed down his face, I just kept staring at him as I was too scared to move or speak: Edward had just killed John right in front of me. “What have I done” Edward screamed to himself, whilst slowly shaking John’s body. I dropped on the floor, as I realised that John is never going to come back. The love he gave me, the kissing we shared, everything was gone. I was filled with pure anger and sorrow, I could have easily taken the knife and kill Edward too but I didn’t. I took out my phone and called the police not carrying about Edward will might do to me, I told them everything what has happened, I thought Edward would leave or take the phone form me but he didn’t. He never even left John’s side until he got taken away from the police. Just when Edward left his side, I crawled to John’s dead body, and kissed his already cold lips. “It’s my fault you’ve died and I am never going to forgive myself for this” I said. Then John’s body got carried away, tears streamed down my face, when I thought of the fact that our love for each other never had the chance to grow.
2 weeks later
I went to John’s apartment, the first time after the night he got killed by his own twin, I missed John so much. Even though I had just known him for 2 weeks, I knew he was the love of my life. He did everything for me, just like he would have done for him. I unlocked the front door of the apartment and when I walked in I looked on the floor, the floor was still covered with blood. John’s blood, tears streamed down my face again. But I told myself to stop crying, John wouldn’t want to see me suffering. I went into the bedroom and started to pack up some things from him. When I cleaned his bed I found a diary hidden under is pillow. I opened the diary and started reading.
“13.02.2009 Dear Diary, I’ve just seen, the most beautiful girl in my life, first I thought I was dreaming, but she’s real. She didn’t noticed me when she entered the shop, but I will get her to notice me once, John”
“20.02.2009 Dear Diary, she was in the shop again and she is even more beautiful now, Edward keeps teasing me because of her but I don’t care. He should be focusing on his Girlfriend Amber.
Then I realised, John has really been in love with me for ages. If I would have actually noticed him back then, he wouldn’t be dead by now I thought to myself. But back then I was to focused on drinking the next bottle of wine.
I went through a lot of pages, all where about me. Nice stuff, romantic stuff, sad stuff he actually wrote down everything what has happened in his life. I stopped on a page.
“8. 10.2010” Dear Diary, I was out with Amber tonight. We watched a movie it was fun but then we got into a car crash. Amber died, Edward is blaming me for everything. He actually thinks I killed her, but it wasn’t my fault. She was the one who drove the car, she was driving way to fast. I tried everything to save her, but she was already dead when I carried her body out of the car, I had luck I just have a few bruises on my body but I wish I could have died not Amber”
I cried, when I finished the last sentence. It felt like John was telling me everything, Again I felt guilty for everything what has happened to John, if I would have been with him back then, I wouldn’t even wanted to go out with Amber. He would have watched the movie with me.
I turned to the last page and read.
“15.03.2012” Dear Diary, I have never felt so happy in my life before. She is actually the only thing I live for. I know she got many problems on her own, but we’ll get through it. When the time is right, I will tell her everything about my past and she hopefully will be as understanding as I was. I really love her and spending my first kiss with her just made her thousand times more special, John”
I smiled to myself as I remembered kissing him. I turned to the next page, an empty one and took a pencil and wrote down
“25.03.2012” Dear Diary, I love John. I always did and will do. He is the only person I will ever truly love and that’s why I am going to do this now. Love (YN)
When I finished writing, I took a bottle of sleeping pills out of my bag. I took them all in once. I laid down on John’s bed which still smelled like him. I pulled the duvet over me and closed my eyes, when I closed my eyes I saw John standing right in front of me. “I am coming, please wait” I said.
Then I died, with a smile on my face, knowing that now John and I will be together forever.
The End.
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